Well,.. it’s time to come to grips with what’s never going to happen.. And that is,.. I am never going to have the wherewithal to produce the stories & histories I had always hoped this page would allow me to.

This page still affords me that option, only I don’t afford myself the same. I’m clearly unable to focus & take the needed time to recant what is most dear & even most mundane over the course of the past 35 years..

Whatevs,.. that’s the way it goes. I had always hoped that deep down inside I had something different about me that would push me to create and share things about life and all of it’s toils and occasional splendor.. but no, I’m far too ordinary. Too restrained by vice and apathy and self pity.. almost self-pithy..lol.

By failing myself I fail all of you, I fail Donna, and I fail being alive.

Earlier tonight I decided to visit the local Wildfire casino,.. and I took what was left of my grocery/survival money for the month and I threw it away as I kept pushing my cash into the poker machines… losing is something I kind of like doing as it sometimes helps me rise and win/over-achieve for a while.. but this was different. This had the flavor of starting a losing trend once and for all, one where maybe I can build some real momentum that I never come back from. One that leads to me taking my .45 and blowing my brains out of my head in a very anti-climactic finish to what has been a entirely anti-climactic life.

Why on earth do I want to quit so bad? I honestly don’t get it… I’m only admitting this because since I rarely drink heavily anymore, I rarely find that place of mind where I can center myself and move forward whenever my head and hangover dissipates.. Now, I’m so sober so often that I rarely can remember who I am supposed to be or even want to be.

First World luxuries, I know.

As I walked in between buildings 3 & 4 a little while ago I felt a bit of dread/disappointment in realizing all of this… But then I didn’t…

Yes, I have a TON of stories that should be shared with the world, but no, I do NOT have the capacity to share them since I’m such a quitter and self-loathing loser.

–

Next few weeks/month, we’ll see, .. I might go all in and start throwing away as much of what I have left so I’m forced into really pulling myself back up and grinding it out, or going full tilt into ruining whatever it is I do have left.

Lets not worry about the outcome,.. lets just worry if the story get told.

-T. von.